cookies aren't liars. [Blake]

[03ma1ya]

“I don't know... they just asked you to deliver some papers you didn't have to go out of your way to bake these...um...”

Pip stared down at the hill of cookies that left him stuck between Giggles' fish bowl and the mound of delicious temptation. If he didn't have meaty cactus hands, it would have been so easy to sneak one into his mouth when the girl wasn't looking. The cacnea was pretty confused, though, because it wasn't every day that he saw a morph bring pastries for their natural worst enemies. Unless they were, like, poisonous. Maiya wouldn't do that, would she?

Hmm, well, there was only one way to find out.

“Hey! No touching! Those are for Mr. Blake,” Maiya scolded, grabbing his thorny hand without a wince. Man, she had to be the only person fearless enough (or crazy, Pip wasn't sure) to grab onto his hands like that. Did she enjoy the feeling of pricks going into her skin?

“Owwww...” she cried, pulling her hand back, “that hurts, Pip.”

Guess not.

“Bandaids in the front,” Pip said dryly, “Skitty kind. You like the skitty ones, right?”

“You got the skitty ones?” Her eyes lit up, “Aww, you're so nice!” She walked around to the front of the wagon, rummaging through comic books and some pravus information manuals, humming quietly to herself, as if she wasn't hurt at all. He noticed that her hand was already bleeding pretty fast, making the Cacnea cringe.

“You sure you'll be okay?”

Maiya grinned. “Yeah, yeah! See? I have kitties on my hand!” She paused, grabbing the handle to start walking again, “we should tie pillows to your hand, so then you'll be all cuddly and stuff.”

Pip shuddered at the thought. No self respecting Cacnea would ever cover himself in PILLOWS. That just wasn't manly at all. “Let's just focus on getting to this 'Mr.Blake's room, 'kay?”

“Right right. Pillows can come later.”

He grasped his hands and actually started praying, Oh Arceus, please don't let her.

He stared down at the cookies again. Hmmph, it was their fault that she got that stupid idea. Them and their peanut butter and chocolate goodness, just asking for him to get in trouble. Those cookies were probably EVIL now that he thought about it. Yeah, they had to be! That's why they looked so good. Maybe I should get rid of one, for the sake of the world. Yeah, let's purge the base of the evil cookies...hehehh

“<I wouldn't eat those if I were you>”

Pip went rigid. Arceus, he had forgotten about the OTHER evil thing in this wagon.

“<Not unless you want to taste the ashes of your brethren...>”

The grass type stared at the fish that was whispering to him in their native tongue. It was unnerving enough that he was always sitting behind him, but whenever Giggles broke his silence to speak to him, usually whatever he said wasn't very good. Pip, trying to act tough, whispered back, “<What do you mean, ashes of your bretheren, you old coot? Stop speaking in stupid cryptic messeges.>”

Giggles chuckled, blowing up bubbles to block the cactus's view of his face, “<Honestly, do you really think they would let her in the kitchen? No, no, she used the oven in the lab... you know, the one that they use to dispose of->”

“SHUT UP! Please, stop it!” Pip shrieked.

“Hmm? What did I do?” Maiya asked, totally bewildered at her pokemon's outburst. Damn, he had said that last part in humanspeak, didn't he? Great, now Maiya must think that he was going nuts because she had never heard that evil feebas of hers speak.

Pip wasn't so lucky...

“Oh nothing... don't mind me,” he swallowed, staring down at the cookies again, “Are we there yet?”

“Almost, the dorms should be around the corner, look for a number 2, 'kay?” Maiya smiled, rubbing the back of her neck, “I guess you can have ONE now. Just one, because you're so nice.”

“NO, no, it's okay... I've lost my appetite,” he shuddered once again. “What kind of forms are you bringing this guy, anyway? Did they let you look this time?”

Maiya didn't answer. Guess that narrows it down to something dealing with Pokemorphs. Joy. She hardly ever spoke about that kind of stuff, Pip had observed. It made her nervous or something. He didn't know why, not being around her long enough to know about her bad experiences, but he didn't have the heart to ask. It was a touchy subject for those humans that lived in the lab.

Her face brightened when they arrived at their destination. The door was rather plain compared to some of the other dorm rooms at least the ones that Pip had seen- most notably was the one that had 666 taped on it. He sure didn't want to deal with that head case. Maiya started knocking on his door with her Skitty band aided fingers, making the Cacnea smile-even when he was wedged between evil cookies and an evil fishie.

Maiya grabbed a manila envelope, and sang, “Delivery for Mr. Blake!”

[blake]

Blake sighed slightly, staring upwards at the ceiling and thinking on what he was embarking on. He was thinking of becoming a pokemorph, but just that little decision wasn't what troubled him. What really troubled him was what that meant. It meant he was now willing to give up part of himself, just to move higher up the ranks. He might not even get to, but he was thinking of taking that risk. It almost felt wrong to be doing something like that, but he knew that he was probably going to end up doing it. He had to, if he wanted to help his family. But not just his family, himself too. He didn't wnat to be constantly the bottom of the rung on things, and if becoming pokemorph was the way to do that, he was most likely going to end up doing it.

But was it the right thing to do? That was what troubled him, and made him stay up at night. This was like saying he was going to stick with Pravus, because right now, quitting was something that he could do. Not without going into hiding, but that he could do. But, after becoming a pokemorph, the noose around his neck tightened only further. They didn't like their prized Pokemorphs vanishing, or quitting. Was he really willing to dedicate himself to this organization of evil for so long? The answer eluded him, and that was the fact that kept him up at night. That, and he wasn't too sure anyone could sleep when Flash was snoring at the volume that was indescribable to all but those who had heard it. It was rare, but when it happened, it was a sight to see.

But he wasn't snoring right now, thankfully, and was instead pacing, seemingly just as worried as Blake was as to what was going to happen. Of course, Flash was concerned with him making the opposite choice that he was assured he was going to. Flash didn't want him to become a pokemorph for a few simple reasons. One, that was that he was sworn to protect Blake, and he had to protect all of blake. Sure it might actually be easier when he was stronger, but he wouldn't be Blake then. Second, what if he died on that table?!? He couldn't stop him after he was being operated on, and they had a bad record, as far as he was concerned, of fatalities. Of course, any proceedure with less than a perfect raiting was too risky, but that was beside the point. "This is too risky Blake! I think we should rethink this." Flash stated, beginning to pace once more.

"Still, I'm not about to lay down at the bottom when I'm sure that I'm one of the smartest, most efficient scientist's here! Its just not right, and I'm not going to let some simple procedure stand in my way." Blake said, sitting down now as he watched Flash pace.

"So? Do you want to end up like Enigma?!? Besides, you know that your not a morph, and thats not who you are. This is just temporary, you have to remember that. Are you willing to give up who you are for a job?"

That stumped Blake, as he didn't have an answer. Was he willing to do that? Before a reply could be fully formed in his head he heard a voice chime in that it had a delivery for him, and he smiled, remembering that voice. "Maiya. Wonder what she's doing delivering things." Walking to the door, he opened it, smiling as he saw Maiya.

"Why hello! Its nice to see you Maiya. I see you've been cooking. Didn't know you could cook!" Blake smiled, seeing the plate of cookies among her pokemon, in the wagon. As well, he saw her hand, which appeared bandaged, and he frowned slightly, saying in a concerned voice "Are you alright?" He didn't want her hurt.

Flash walked up behind Blake, looking at the seviper morph. Well, this was one pokemorph that was off the hinges slightly. Still he liked Maiya, because at least he didn't have to worry about her hiding her real emotions. Besides, the only danger she posed was when she went crazy, and that was easily averted by a strong electrical surge. Something he was easily able to apply.

[03ma1ya]

For some reason, the girl was tempted to drop the manila envelope and turn around and run. Maybe she wouldn't have felt so guilty when the door opened. What made it worse was that he opened the door and looked genuinely happy to see her without knowing what she was about to deliver to him. But it's not a bad thing, right? They wouldn't do mean things to Mr. Blake... Her mind whirred with those thoughts when she quietly stared up at him.

Pip knew what that silence meant, leaving him to talk before the silence got awkward. “You should have seen the first ones,” he joked. “They were terrible.”

Maiya blinked, her face returning back to that gleeful grin of hers. “Hey! You ate all of the bad ones, and liked them. So shush.”

"Are you alright?"

[/b] he asked.

“Oh, this? Hehe, no, I'm fine. I got skittys!” she said, raising her band aid covered hand. It was poorly done, tons of little pricks and cuts were visible and bleeding. For some reason, it didn't really hurt. Hmm, is it bad that it didn't hurt? Then again, she was used to have needles in her skin. “I just forgot about Pip and his...err...spiky-ness.”

The Cacnea sighed and shook his head. What did he look like to her, a fluffy little pillow? Of course he was spiky! However, he knew that talking about bandaides and cooking was just going to stall them from getting back to the lab, where he can get back to, well, whatever he liked to do. It was unsettling for him to be there with a scientist he had not seen since the events in the swamp- he still got nightmares about that.

Both of them noticed the Luxray behind him. Of course, to a weaker pokemon like Pip, Flash could probably could eat him. Did electric lion doggies like cactus? He wasn't ready to find out.

Maiya, of course, had the opposite reaction. She actually ran up to the overprotective pokemon, knelt down, and ran her finger through his black hair. Pip just stared at her, praying that Flash wouldn't, well, shock her unconcious, leaving him all alone with Giggles.

That would be even worse than hell. Seriouly.

“So. Uhm...”She paused, getting up to her feet again, “how are you today? Wanna try a cookie? They're peanutbutter chocolate flavor.”

<<cooked lovingly in the incinerator.>>

Pip rolled his eyes. The girl was avoiding the important part, the reason why they were here. Knowing her, she'd probably would try to kill time, maybe avoid the entire pokemorph subject all together. She knew that she had to give it to him eventually, Pip could tell. Her smile was much smaller that it was when she knocked on his door. He stood up (still in the wagon, of course) and folded his arms. “Maiya. Give him the folder before I loose it.”

“What folder?”

“The one in your hand. The whole reason we're here.”

“But...” What if I don't want to?

“DO IT!”

She took a deep breath. Maiya really didn't want to give Blake the pokemorph forms. That topic just, well, it just upset her. Problem is, she didn't know why. Maiya had no recollection to her pokemorph changing experience, but she knew in her gut that it could be bad. She had seen it done on other people, she could hear it the other rooms. Maybe that's why she couldn't bring herself to look at him when she handed him the big envelope. “The labcoats wanted me to give you this. They said that you would know what was in it.”

“I...err... was I bad girl,” she paused, frowing a little, “I took a peek...”[/blockquote][/size]

[blake]

OOC: Sorry for the lameness. Blake's not cooperating right now.

Blake looked at the Cactus as he said he should have seen the first ones. Smiling slightly at this, he almost commented before Maiya replied, saying that he’d eaten all the bad ones, and liked them. Hah, well if the bad one’s were good, maybe the good ones were better? Blake commented as such, saying “Well, that’s good to know. I’m sure they taste great.” It wasn’t really much in doubt, he would have said they tasted great even if they didn’t, because it’d be mean to hurt maiya’s feelings, and besides, she could probably bench press him. That’s not something he wanted to mess with.

Blake winced as she said she was fine, she had skitties, but he begged to differ. “Hey, I think it’d be better for me to treat that. You don’t want to hurt yourself now.” He said, and adding “I’m sure we can re bandage you too. Sound good?” Who knew what kinda things might happen. Sure she was a seviper morph, but he wasn’t about to have her get an infection. Besides, Pravus demanded everyone be in perfect shape, it wasn’t good not to be.

Flash was surprised when Maiya ran up to him, but he was a cat, he liked being pet, even if he wouldn’t admit it. Besides, being in close contact made it so he needed less time to stun her should she try anything, which worked for him just fine. He rubbed his head against her hand, and as she left, he gave her a smile, before returning to his stoic protector mode. Blake needed to meet more people like Maiya, mostly harmless people. Mostly.
Blake smiled as she offered him a cookie, and said “Sure!” He grabbed one, and munched on it as he watched the scene unfold between the talking cactus and the little assassin girl. Apparently she actually had something for him like he thought, and didn’t want to give it to him. Hmm. Eventually she did give it to him, though she looked none too happy about it. He took it, and looked it over, smiling as she said she had been a bad girl and peeked inside. “Ah. So you know what this is about?” He smiled, and said “Hey, its okay you know. This is all voluntary, its to help with my research.”

Of course, Blake inwardly had just as many doubts as her, though he tried not to show it. There was no point in fretting over whether or not this was a good idea, mainly because ehe would probably end up doing it regardless. They were needing experiments, since not a lot of work was happening outside the lab, and besides, he had to move up. Still, was it the right choice? He had no idea, and wasn’t about to pretend that he did. “So Maiya, why are you so unhappy looking? Is it about this?” Well, maybe this was his chance. To talk with her about this.

“Well, is there any reason for that?” He hoped she’d have some idea t least. She had to have reservations for some reason, and if those were good reasons, he might have to consider them. Still, he probably should just do it, if he thought too much, he’d likely back out. Besides, he still needed to bandage up Maiya too. Hopefully she’d start talking, she wouldn’t notice him pulling out the needles as much if he did that.

[03ma1ya]

OOC- Your post was fine~ This one is a little cheesey but, lol, Maiya's sad. :<

Maiya winced when he said that he was voluntarily doing this. Living in the labs, the girl wasn't ignorant about the whole pokemorph process, like most Pravus members were. She saw the process multiple times, experienced it herself even. He worked in the lab too, right? He heard the cries of the people too. He must have. Why would he want to go through so much pain like they did? Some of them didn't even choose to go through those surgeries, they were forced to. She couldn't comprehend why Blake would go through something willingly while others wished that they didn't go through the change at all. “It's not...” she mumbled, refusing to finish the thought out loud. ”It's not okay...”

She dropped her jaw when he mentioned that she looked unhappy. Mr. Blake didn't need to know that she was sad, and she was determined to make sure that he was seeing things. “No, no, no. I'm not sad at all, Mr. Blake. See?” she said in a hurry, forcing a smile to show up on her face. “Perfectly happy. Nothing is wrong. Nothing at all. Mhmm. Why would I be upset?” Maiya pointed to her obviously fake smile, like she was posing for a school photo. “See?” She repeated. The morph dropped after she proved her point, making sure the scientist couldn't see her face. It was hard for Maiya to smile, not when this topic was on her mind.

She kept her head down, trying to distract herself by gazing at he hands. No, not even looking at cute little pink kitties on her hands could mask the unhappiness that she oh so rarely expressed. Her eyes flicked up at Blake when he spoke again. Talk about it? But what could she say? It was his choice after all, and as his friend, as his subordinate, she should be happy with every single choice he makes. Every single one, no matter what the outcome is. No matter what.

”But still...”

“It's your choice, Blake.” Maiya mumbled, forcing the words out. She had even forgot to put the 'Mr.' in front of his name, like she normally did with everyone. “You should do whatever you think is best. And I'll be happy.” A sigh escaped at the end of the sentence. It was a weak lie, even she knew that. Mr. Blake would probably know that she was lying too. As his friend, subordinate, test subject, whatever... Maiya could tell him how she felt. It would be hard, but, well, the girl would never forgive herself if she kept quiet.

“I.. I can't remember anything about the pokemorph change thing” she stopped and swallowed, “I was half asleep for four years. So I can't tell you if it would hurt, 'cause I have no idea. But... I live in the lab. I hear things. I hear people.”

She hissed in pain as he pulled a needle out of her hand, but Maiya continued, “I can hear them scream, all the time. It's scary. Very scary. And people end up different after everything is all done. They...they loose something, something that they can never get back. Like, I don't think I used to kill-” Maiya stopped, just to mouth out the words. “I didn't kill people before.”

Maiya stopped, eyes glued to the floor. The girl relived the time when she first dug her fangs into another man's neck, smiling cruelly as the poison led to the adult's slow, painful death. Maiya knew that she had no control over that, that sudden urge to kill someone. But still, she had did that not someone else. She had taken away a life, and no cookie or act of charity could ever redeem her.

Pip stared at her, eyes wide. He had never seen the kid like this before. It was weird. Unsettling, even. Part of him wanted to grab her hand, and drag her away. The cactus would even wear a suit of pillows to make her stop talking. But he knew that she needed to keep going, for this scientist's sake. Pip glanced at Giggles, wondering if he was feeling the same, but no, he was too good of an actor. He still had that blank, cross-eyed stare that he had perfected in his time being here. In all truth, the fish didn't feel sorry for the kid. Not one bit. It amused the Feebas, actually. Normally the morph babbled all of her thoughts to him, but she never touched any of this.

Maiya looked at Blake, a look of pure sorrow on her face before she continued. “We're weapons to Pravus, right? Us pokemorphs? I don't want you to become a weapon too, Mr. Blake. I don't want you changed. You're fine the way you are.” She stopped, swallowing again. Maiya couldn't think of anything else to say, to change his mind. So the girl just looked at him, hoping that he would understand how she felt. “But a lot of us turn out okay, not all Pokemorphs are like me. But...” her hushed into a whisper.

“I'm scared for you.”

[blake]

Blake didn't catch the end of her sentence, hearing just its not, and wondering what in the world she could have meant by that. Maybe, maybe this wasn't the best choice he could make. She was really the best person to ask, as she wouldn't lie to him, in fact she was one of the few people he trusted around here. She was far too nice to be truly deceitful, and he was sure that if she had reservations about this, he obviously better pay attention. Only a fool wouldn't.

Still, she seemed to not want him thinking she was sad, showing him the most fake smile he had seen in a while, and saying that she had no reason to be sad, but as anyone with half a brain could tell, she was not happy at all. There was something wrong with this, and he was bound to figure out why she'd be so unhappy. This was an important decision, and if she was worried, he was certainly not going to brush it aside. Besides, he valued relationships with test subjects, even if he normally worked on the pokemon side of this outfit, not the human side. Scientists around here seemed to not care, and Blake wanted to make sure that if the experiments ever revolted and took over, he wouldn't be dying.

Then she said but still, and he raised an eyebrow, interested. She said that she'd be happy with whatever he chose, as his subordinate, but then seemed to tense up, as if she was going to continue. He just sat and waited, watching her to see what she said now. What she said now, was startling, to say the least. She stated she didn't remember the change, but she did know that there were screams, and it seemed that people didn't come back the same. He expected that, but then she seemed to stop halfway, saying she didn't used to kill people before the change.

A moments recollection passed between her eyes, and Blake himself was brought back to a memory. It was a painful memory, but it was something that reminded of what she said. It was the time he'd nearly killed someone. It had happened right after his dad had been killed, by the clones. Blake wasn't thinking straight, he was hurting, and his dad was gone, he was just angry. Angrier than he'd ever been in his entire life, and with that kind of rage, nothing will stop you. He'd ran out, wielding a bottle, and planned on stabbing as many clones as he could with it. A friend tried to stop him, and the bottle went upside his head. He crumpled to the ground, and Blake was going to stab him, for interfering, when flash jumped him. A powerful electric shock later, and he was on the ground, paralyzed.

He shuddered slightly as he cut off that recollection, shutting off the mental picture of the bottle, breaking over his head, flying into many shards, and the jagged edge, oh so clearly remembered. That was the funny thing about his rages. Most was foggy, but whatever he was using he could remember in crystal clear detail. It was strange. Still, she was talking again, saying that since Pravus Pokemorphs were weapons, she didn't want him to become one. He was fine the way he was, in her terms. She then added that not all were bad, but that she was simply, scared for him.

That last statement struck him hard. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should reconsider. Still, he had to. It wasn't just that he needed the promotion. It wasn't just that he hoped to prove his loyalty. It was the only way, to get rid of that rage. It was his only chance of changing that for good. He never told anyone that was his true motivation, but the rage scared him. He'd nearly killed a friend. Worse yet, he'd wanted to. Not just wanted, needed, to kill this man for stopping him. For dong what was right, he wanted to murder him. Needed to. That alone was the reason he wanted to do this.

Remembering that, he resolved himself, and said "Your right, but...I need this.

Flash watched this all, surprised at the depth of the conversation, and at Blake's look. He was remembering something painful, he could tell, but when he said he needed this, Flash growled. "Why? For a promotion? Really? Thats your reason."

Blake just looked at him, and sighed. "I don't know. I just have to."

[03ma1ya]

Maiya stood there silently, watching Flash and Blake speak. They must have had doubts too; she could tell from the sound in both of their voices. Maybe, just maybe, what she said might have struck a nerve with him, making Blake change his mind all together. In her mind, that would be the best thing. That little hope sparked very tiny smile to appear on her face, even though she still felt heavy after saying all of that.

”I don't know. I just have to.”

The girl couldn't help but sigh, feeling her faint little hope rip away from her. She suddenly felt guilty for saying all of that, making his confidence waver even more. What good would come of making him worry, especially if he had to do it? Her body tensed again, fretting a little in place. Maiya must have made the decision worse for him, and that wasn't what she wanted. at all. “Um...hnngh...” she said weakly, clearly showing her awkward feelings.
“It's not so bad, I guess...” she managed to say after a little thought.

Maiya knew that she was slow compared to other people her age, that she couldn't truly comprehend difficult decisions like this one. Blake probably had a reason for why he wanted to do this, one that she wouldn't understand. Adults had to worry about plenty of other things than just doing the best at whatever someone tells you to do. They couldn't just sit in their room and read books mindlessly, not with all the stress of being a Pravus member. Maybe becoming a morph made missions easier, she wouldn't know.

“If you really have to do it, then just, ah, ignore what I said,” Her voice was a little stronger than before. “I was just thinking about the baddest thing that could happen. Heh.” Maiya looked at him, smiling weakly. She couldn't tell a grown-up what to do, but it was important to her for him to know both sides, the good and the bad. But the thought of Blake changing was still very scary for her. Really, really scary.

Maiya swallowed. “Pravus will like you more if you do this, right?” she said slowly. That was kind of true, since morphs were supposed to be better than their human counter parts, but the humans get to play with the fun toys more often. Not that she felt bad about that, since Maiya doubted she would be allowed to drive a tank, let alone get in one. That would have DANGER written all over it. Though, scientists like Blake probably don't get to drive in the tank very much at all, they were too busy building and studying things. “'Cause you get all power boosted and stuff. Heh...” Her voice drifted, trying to think of other good things.

“And, ah, Flash is right too. Lots of the higher ups are morphs, aren't they? You adults seem to want to be higher ups a lot...” She put a finger on her chin, thinking of a whole bunch of people like that. Most of the higher ups were, like, very scary, but for the most part, they were definitely more sane than the experiments like she was. Right now, she was striving to even become a private, which was especially difficult for her age.

“Nnngh, Okay maybe I'm not really that good at think up good things, but I know there are lots!” She nodded. “I'm sure that they wouldn't do something bad to a loyal member of Pravus like you, right? So, ah, you don't have to worry about it... I don't think...”

(OOC: Eh, don't like this one. DX Tell me if I need to change anything. :3))

[blake]

Blake heard her sigh after his comment that he just had to, and felt even worse about himself. She seemed to feel bad for putting him like this, and after a bit of deliberation, said that it wasn’t so bad, she guessed. He didn’t buy it for a minute, but it did have the effect of making him really think about telling someone for the first time why he honestly though he needed to do this. If he couldn’t tell her, he couldn’t tell anyone. Still, he had a question he wanted to ask. She would be the best one to ask about such things, as she had to know something about it.

“No Maiya, you have a point. Its good to think of the worst things that could happen.” Especially when said worst things were likely to happen, it was important to think about them, and try and come up with a reason why it was worth the risk. For Blake, that wasn’t a problem. He knew his reason, and he knew it would take a lot of reasoning to get him to see anything else as satisfactory. Anger management didn’t work, therapy wouldn’t, this was the only thing he could think of to solve it.

“That’s one of the reasons, yes.” He said in response to her question statement, saying he would likely be more liked, due to his increased power and all, if he did this. She also then said that she wasn’t that good at thinking things, but that they wouldn’t do anything to a loyal pravus member right? That last word, loyal, made him almost wince. That was another problem. His loyalty was in question, and that was a reason he was doing this. “Maiya, I do have a question for you. Its important you answer truthfully, okay?” He now was at the question he’d wanted to ask the entire time, and he hoped she could answer it for him.

“When you get angry, what’s it like?” Sure, he’d read reports on her behavior, almost every scientist has, due to her slightly unique situation. But Blake wasn’t interested in what the reports said. He was interested in what it was like for her. Mainly, he wanted to see if perhaps he wasn’t the only one who did such things. Maybe since she went though the same things he did, he could tell her why. Having such a heavy burden on your heart isn’t a good thing, and having that for so long just got to a person.

Flash meanwhile, loked up at him surprised at the sudden question. This wasn’t his normal fare, something was bugging him. What could it be though? Flash had a feeling he was beating himself up inwardly, a sixth sense if you would, for working with him for so long. Something was definitely eating him up, and that annoyed and worried Flash. Blake did crazy things when his conscience kicked in, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to deal with that kind of stuff once more.