Editor/Beta Reader for an Original Story

[Skie Loon]

((Friggin' heck I forgot to post with my ooc account xD))

Hello xD I've been writing out a story, and I've reached chapter six. Each chaptor has been proofread by me already, but I know I missed a few things, because I'm like that.

And not only would I like some help with spell checking/word fumbling errors, but I'd also like to know what you think about it.

And yes, I took the main character from it, named Gregory Gene, and turned him into one of my roleplaying characters here xD So what? I luff him x3

Anyway, here's the links to the chapters. I don't mind if you comment one chapter at a time, or the whole thing all at once.
Tell me whatcha think:


Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six

[xxphenomenonxx]

I'll do it. xD Lol. Probably on a chapter by chapter basis with me and then I'll comment on the thing as a whole. At least, I swear in my free time I'll get around to doing it. xD (Which will probably be later on today, say, after around 6:00 or so. xD

And ha! I remembered to use my ooc account! XD

[~Kristie Kay~]

Wah! Thank you Pheno x3 *glomps*

And omg I did too! We should totally have a party to celebrate our remembering to use these accounts xD

[xxphenomenonxx]

<sub>(Lol. We deserve cake or something. xD )

Chapter One Stuff

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Tenses/Suggestions:



-Paragraph 1 First Sentence- I just feel as if the first sentence should stand on its own. It’s independent, I think. It opens well and should act as it’s own paragraph.

-Paragraph 1 Sentence 2- I don’t think you need the comma before “and”

-Paragraph 1 Sentence 3- “seemed” should be “seem” You were using present tense earlier when you said “He is”. Stay constant.

-Paragraph 3 First Sentence -I feel as if it would be better to say “call” in place of “called” in that sentence. Flows more smoothly.

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 3 -“Parasailing Accident”, don’t know if it matters much, but probably shouldn’t be capitalized.

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 4- Maybe it’s just me. (Like it usually is. xD, and most likely, I do it too), but I think the words “But,” and “Despite” have the same purpose. I think you should take out the word “But” and start with “Despite” or better yet, “In spite of…”

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 4- I think it should be chopped up a bit more. Maybe put a period after “fact” and start a new sentence with “He and his parents.”

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 4- If you stick with chopping it up like I suggested, take out the word “anyway.”

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 5- If you stick with the above change in sentence structure, it would probably be best to start the sentence with “Gregory”, not “He.”

-Paragraph 3 Sentence 6- I dun know about this sentence. I don’t feel as if you should say, “His Grandma would” but maybe “His Grandma stopped to check in on him every now and then..” Though, in all honesty, I’m not sure it’s relevant. (Again, just an opinion). If you want to you could scratch the sentence all together.

-Third Paragraph from the bottom (I stopped counting, apologies. xD) Sentence 2- Put a comma after “said”. I dunno if it matters much, but some of the quote thingies are backwards. xD You can fix ‘em if you want so that they’re correct.

-Second to Last Paragraph Sentence Two- Parasailing Related Accident. Lol. I’m not sure it should be capitalized.

-Last Paragraph Sentence 4- Hmm. Probably be better to enunciate “Nobody” by italicizing it.

-Last Paragraph Sentence 5- comma after “cheerful”



Comments/Other Stuff:

I liked the way you ended the Prologue. It tied back to the beginning. I thought that was important. Coming full circle often makes a certain trait/quality seem more powerful as it gets repeated. The idea here that people often get the wrong impression of Gregory Gene was complimented well by doing that. I thought the whole thing was smooth throughout, but needed maybe minor tweaking here or there. It’s nice how the character seems to match stereotypical archetypes at first, and is later proven to not follow them. It was a good Prologue to the story.

It felt as if you know, a narrator had paused at the beginning of the story to say something. It reminded me of storybook time. Lol. That’s a good thing though. For a second I felt like a little kid again and someone was going to read be a good book, but first they were explaining something important to me.

Overall, I liked it. Even if it’s just the Prologue. Now I have to finish the other edits and stuff. ^^ And I want to look over it again later. I might find more stuff. Hope this helps for this chapter. Most of my suggestions are just opinions though. If you don’t like ‘em, don’t follow ‘em. xD I’m not perfect and I get things wrong too. Lol.

Other updates from me will come soon though. When I got free time I promise to read and edit. ^^</sub>

[xxphenomenonxx]

<sub>(Here's another Chapter once-over. You let me know whether or not I'm helping you out. xD Cause I'd hate to feel useless. But you don't have to listen to my suggestions if you don't want to. )


Chapter Two Stuff:</sub>[/b]

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Tenses/Suggestions:




Paragraph 1 Sentence 1- I think it would be better to change “the” to “this”. Also, just another suggestion but perhaps instead of “foot”, “flight” is better. I also find it ironic cause his parents died in a parasailing incident.

Paragraph 1 Sentence 3- It’s hard for me to explain so let’s try this. Scratch that sentence. Start with “Ironically, the definition you would find for the word…” And so on and so forth.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- Take out the word “only”. I think “just” did the trick, so there’s no point in having the other word.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- Replace “and” (the one that follows after the comma) with “when”

Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- Put a period after “house”. Start a new sentence. “The color of the..” So on.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- I feel as if the word “very” weakens the word “green” too much. Try an adjective instead of an adverb. Like, vibrant, bright, lustrous, emerald, light, and so on. It gives the image in my mind at least, a more apparent image. Is it dark green, is it light green? What is it?

Paragraph 2 Sentence 2- I dun remember how the rule works. Xx’ Might be a good idea to check on someone else too about this. But I think “house’s” should be more like “ houses’ ”. Guh. I’m not entirely sure on that though.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 2- Take out the word “almost”. I don’t think you need it.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 3- I think you should keep the word “evenly” but you should place it after the word “spread”. At the moment, I feel as if (if you keep it in front) it weakens “spread” too much.

Paragraph 2 Sentence 3- Take out the comma after “front”

Paragraph 4 Sentence 1- I don’t think you need the two commas at the beginning.

Paragraph 5 Sentence 3- I don’t think you need the comma after the word “backs”

Paragraph 6 Sentence 1- Take out the word “exactly”. I feel it weakens tumble too much.

Paragraph 6 Sentence 1- Take out the word “regularly” too.

Paragraph 6 Sentence 2- Instead of “van’s middle’s” make it, “van’s middle”.

Paragraph 6 Sentence 3- Make “other’s” to be “others”.

Paragraph 7 Sentence 2- Change “harbored” to “harboring”

Paragraph 8 Sentence 1 or 2- Either change the period in the first sentence to a comma and leave “she” un-capitalized or capitalize “she”

Paragraph 8 Sentence 4- I think it should be a comma after “behave” not a period.

Paragraph 10 Sentence 1- I don’t think you need the comma after “hand”



Comments/Other Stuff

You work amazingly well with dialogue. It was realistic, something you would hear in a normal household with a family their size. The interactions between characters were well done too, and I think I got a good introduction into Amelia herself. It’s good that the characters are believable, and that makes them relatable to the reader. Again, only a few minor tweaking here and there.

I felt as if I were actually reading a book. Your style of writing is pretty consistent throughout. Nothing bugs me more than a person that doesn’t stick to their own style. xD But you did it wonderfully.

Another thing. Little details you added made it seem more real. I liked the play with words you sometimes did (a small town called Minute for instance) and the ironic things that are in it, such as a mall. Lol.

It was also a nice twist to read on and find out that the story didn’t start with Gregory Gene. It started with Amelia and her family moving into the neighborhood. It made me interested to discover how it all ties in together. I think that’s a good thing in itself because you keep the reader interested.

As for the way you started it; the beginning was well done. It was a nice lead in into Amelia and the others. The ending cut off well as a bonus. You picked a point in the story to end it at without bothering the reader. Another well done chapter. Personally I believe this one to be much better than the Prologue.
[/sub]

[~Kristie Kay~]

Thanks for the help, I really appreciate it x3
I can't believe I missed all that xD
*gives us cake*