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Post by Reid on Aug 25, 2008 14:03:13 GMT -5
So, I'm writing a story, and its a fan fiction about pokemon, but its a unique story. So, in any case, I was just wondering, would anyone want to read it? Jw.
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Kaine McAllister
Full Member
"I Can't Make Any Promises...But I Swear I'll Never Lie to You."
Posts: 142
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Post by Kaine McAllister on Aug 25, 2008 16:33:06 GMT -5
I would. x3 And if you're looking for advice or anything, I could offer that too. I used to edit stuff for my school's lit mag (<-Hard to believe, I know, what with all the errors I make. xD But I'll read it and I can rate it/give criticism if you need it. And dun worry. I won't flame you unless you want me to. xD But seriously. I like to read stuff so yeah. I would like to read it. ^^
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Post by Reid on Aug 25, 2008 16:35:40 GMT -5
Well, I have lana for literary advice, but hey, I'll take any advice I can get. If a few more peeps wanna read, I'll set it up. So far Elusive and Lanas read it, and both have liked it.
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Post by blake on Aug 26, 2008 18:24:10 GMT -5
Well, if anyone fancies a story, Here it is, the prologue. I'll put up chapter one when chapter two's finished, but you can all enjoy this and advise me on stuff. As well, a nice title wouldn't be amiss
((Insert awesome title here))
Prologue-awakening
In the depths it waited.
Few knew of its existence and they all thought it was asleep, never to awake for many years, by then they would all be dead. How wrong they were. It was awake, and waiting, just waiting. “The time is near.” It thought inwardly, slowly swimming in depths uncharted by any man in existence. “And soon we shall take action against those who defile our land.”
A grin slowly stole itself across the beast’s face, a smile that would chill the heart of even the bravest man. It was a smile of malice, as it thought of the chaos it would soon unleash upon the land. A maelstrom of fury was about to break upon the world, and only a few pivotal creatures could stop it from its deadly course. The fury of Kyogre and Groudon would be unstoppable. Unless, of course, action was taken now, by the few creatures that had the power or the chance, to stop it. And they didn’t even know that they had to do.
Unbeknownst to Kyogre, another legend was stirring - a forbidding sense of doom was troubling its formerly peaceful slumber. Something was being disturbed and its anger was building. Lugia, Guardian of the Sea, and the one who knew the legends of old, could tell that something was happening, since this was foretold in the old tales. The beginning was now set in motion, and if things didn’t go well, chaos greater than what anyone - even thoughts bringing it about - could even imagine would be unleashed. It would destroy indiscriminately, until nothing was left of the world but a speck of dust. Of course, there was hope, since they also foretold of those who could stop it.
So, shaking its mighty wings, she knew the others would be summoned. That or they would all die in the destruction. And no one wanted that right? Well, almost everyone didn’t want that.
“Well, at least it won’t be boring.” She said, a hint of a smile appearing on her face as she rose up from the depths to grace the surface once again; it had been the first time in decades.
Fishermen didn’t often go to this spot, mainly because there were legends of a legendary bird that made its roost there, and if it should awake, you would face its wrath and never see the light of day again. But this man put little stock into legends, considering them simply childish tales told to children when they asked for a bedtime story. His first few moments had made him almost entirely forget the legends, the fish seemed to jump onboard the ship. Which was a small motorboat, most of it taken up with the ice chest that he used to store fish. The light metal of the boat allowed it to go faster in the water, and that caused its name, the blue flash, to be born. The chest was soon filled with the bountiful catch, but something caught his eye. The water around his ship seemed to be frothing and bubbling slighlty. He wasn’t too worried, but then it grew wider, and he looked around, before a roar came out, and his boat was carried up, a silver tornado of water carrying his boat to the nearby island, dropping it, then the tornado dispersing to reveal the mighty bird, who, with a flap of its wings, shot off in the distance, towards who knows where. The mighty bird had given him a wink before shooting off, a smile on its face.
He was shaking, but he soon realized his boat’s bottom was ground up. He didn’t know how he was going to get home, but to his surprise, he found a few silver feathers in his boat. Their sheen seemed dazzling, and he pocketed them, before he saw a passing boat and shot up a flare. The boat came and got him, and his load of fish, while wondering how his boat had appeared there. The man, knowing full well they wouldn’t believe him, said that it had been a monster wave.
He soon returned home, and went straight to the library of legends. When his friends asked why all the sudden he believed in them, he smiled, and said “Well, you never know when the legends might show themselves.” They didn’t ask more after that, though when it came to the legends, he soon became an authority.
Ho-oh, bird guardian of the lands, was surveying the terrain all around him, a smile of contentment on his face. It was so nice of the humans to build a really tall tower for him to look over the region with, it made thing so much easier. Then, the summons was called, a loud piercing cry, which only was heard by those who were called to gather. A grin spread across his face. “Good, good,” he said slowly, “It was getting boring doing nothing.” With a flap of his wings, he rose up in the air, and flew across towards the summons place, wondering which dire prophecy would come about this time. They had always led to a fun time, even a few close shaves when things had turned sour. Well, this would be fun, nonetheless.
Drifting though the air, a pink Pokemon heard the cry, and true to fashion, a grin appeared on her face. What else would you expect from mew? Smiling, she was off like a rocket, flying to the summons area. “Yay, a gathering! It was getting lonely!” She said as she soared off. She didn't get to often meet other legendaries, and it would be nice to catch up on things.
A cloaked figure stood, silent as three Pokemon surround it. One of them jumped, and a hand shot out of the cloak, blue light appearing as the Pokemon froze, as if the air all around it had just suddenly turned solid. The other two leaped at different angles, one becoming frozen. The cloaked figure disappeared, the third figure hitting the ground. The figure reappeared up in the air, and was about to throw a Shadow Ball at them, when the summons came. Sighing, since he was about to finish them off, he flew off, cloak rippling in the wind.
“Always at the most inconvenient time.” He said, while the three Pokemon were thrown bodily away from the place, about a mile, before hitting the ground. They didn’t trouble him again, that was for sure.
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Post by xxphenomenonxx on Aug 30, 2008 15:43:07 GMT -5
Here ya go. ^^ Sorry it took meh so long. But remember. It's just an opinion and I'm only offerin' a bit of advice for you. Lol.
Main Review:
Nicely done. I liked the story line idea and the opening I think was good. It’s kinda hard for me to submit title suggestions without knowing the rest of the story but I’ll give you a few based on what I know of the prologue. ^^ I think the beginning took a nice pace- after all you were introducing the background of the story and it should always be a little slower paced. The hook was good (what pulls the readers in) I think the first sentence would be effective especially if it were to stand on its own. Some things I think may help to add more interest in this story?
Hmm. Well. You mention the word “boat” a lot. But what about description? What kind of boat was it? Was it big, was it small, what color, what shape, what its made of and so on. (No, you don’t have to know boats inside and out). Lol. But give it something to distinguish itself away from the fisherman’s boat. Add a bit more detail. Give me an image to really see.
I think the POV switching was effective, but not necessarily always smooth. You might want to look into transitions, reread over it and see just where things might sound awkward, or suddenly jumping to another POV makes the story fuzzy a bit. I have some suggestions for basic errors of course, below. But these are just my little things of course. You don’t have to listen to me, and I personally know I am in no way an expert at these things. Lol. So I could be wrong on certain things. Maybe I’m not right on any of them at all. But they’re here for you if you want to look at ‘em. ^^
Title Suggestions: (Based only on Prologue)
Awakening Prodigal Chosen Risen Legends
Overall Rating: 6/10 Other/Suggestions:
Paragraph 1, first Sentence- After the first sentence, make a new paragraph starting with “Few…”
Paragraph 2, Last Sentence- I think it would sound better if you said instead of “they didn’t know that they had to” you said “they didn’t know what they had to do.”
Paragraph 3, Sentence 2- I think the word “disturbed/disturbing” sticks out too much. Lol. I think you should reword it so that it’s more like “Something was roused/was troubled/was agitated.
Paragraph 3 Sentence 3- I’m not sure about this one. But I feel as if “guardian of the sea” should be “Guardian of the Sea” just cause it acts like a title/high position.
Paragraph 3 Sentence 4– I feel as if you should take out the “s” on “beginnings” and then take out the word “being”. It feels awkward having the words “being set” together.
Paragraph 4 First Sentence- I’m a little iffy on this one. o.o It just seems weirdly worded, and people not might pick up on the fact that it’s Lugia right away. So maybe reword/rewrite the sentence?
Paragraph 5 Sentence 2- I think you should take out the commas after the words “up” and “depths”. They slow the sentence down too much. And instead of a comma after “again” put a semi cologne. And then say, “it had been the first time in decades”.
Paragraph 6 First Sentence- Take out the comma after “wrath”.
Paragraph 6 Second Sentence- Not all that certain the word “the” before “legends” is necessary.
Paragraph 6 Sentence 3- I think it would help to add a bit more detail. Say, “The fish literally jumped out of the water and into his boat.” And before that, put a semi cologne, not a comma. Get rid of the comma before “and”. After “catch” put a period. Going from there, I think you need a new sentence. So let’s rewrite what follows after (cause to me, it’s all confusing.) Try rewording the rest of the paragraph starting from the word “almost”.
Paragraph 7 First Sentence- You just repeated yourself. xD Lol. Strike out the first few words. Use sentence variety. Like, instead of that long sentence, put just “And then he noticed it. The water was frothing and bubbling underneath his boat.” Start it up again from there.
Paragraph 9- remove the comma before the first “and” and put a period after “legends”. Take out the second “and” and start with “When”.
Paragraph 10 Sentence 1- I think “land” is repeated too much in the first sentence. X3 Change the second one to “terrain” or something. xD
Paragraph 11, Last Sentence- Bit confused about what you were trying to say there. O.o Dun make much sense.
Paragraph 12- Put a period after “wind”. Get rid of the words “as he said” and start a new paragraph with “Always at the..”
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Post by blake on Aug 30, 2008 16:04:41 GMT -5
Ok! I shifted some things around, rewrote some things, but if anyone else gets an idea, let me know.
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Feather
Administrator
[P:0]
Posts: 513
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Post by Feather on Aug 30, 2008 17:29:37 GMT -5
*tis colon--not cologne.
Sorry--it was bothering me.
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Post by xxphenomenonxx on Aug 30, 2008 17:34:40 GMT -5
Oh wow. xD Lmao. You wanna know why I did that? It was cause I got back from taking that picture today and my group took a short trip on a bus to meet some of the Roanoke college guys. They were all dressed up and so fancy. xD Oh boy. Guess they left a bigger impression on me then I thought. Lol. Boy do I feel stupid and embarrassed now. Can't wait to tell that one to some of my friends here. Ha. I laughed, looking back on it. Lol. XD Cologne. I'm so stupid.
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Post by Reid on Sept 5, 2008 9:46:13 GMT -5
Chapter One- Beginnings
This is the final edit of the thing! Completely finished now, this is chapter one, set in stone. 8D.
Reid smiled to himself slightly, a smirk which soon transformed into a grin as he sighed happily.
“Finally! Took it long enough to finish."
The computer chirped at him, letting him know it was finally done with whatever it was working on. His fingers flew across the keys, before stopping and grabbing the printout he just made.
Finally, their weeks of hard work had paid off. He went to the window and stood, reminiscing on how he had gotten to this point right here, right now, after finishing such a long task. He was proud of his work, but it was interesting to reflect on.
It had been a year since he moved here, arriving at this small, backwater town, in the region of Tuvalen. It hadn't even been on the map back then. The only reason anyone knew about it was that someone had recently discovered gold there, and the mining company had come to prospect the nearby mountains. They only brought in a few families at first, since they didn't want to do a full operation until they knew the mountains held enough gold to make it worthwhile.
They soon discovered that it was in fact rich, and more families came, though most stayed in a few large cabins near the mountain. None of this should have mattered to Reid, save that if you were going to mine, you needed large amounts of electricity. This was mainly to power the large hydraulic machines necessary to mine on a large scale, and this town’s electric grid was not made for that kind of strain. So, his family and his best friend’s family all moved there to supervise the work. They relocated from happening Jasmine City into this backwater dump.
Now when the work was done, instead of moving back, his parents decided that this was a better place to raise him for a while; it had a more positive atmosphere. Still, he was left with only one of his friends. While he made more, he still missed his old friends, who he had spent most of his childhood with. At least, until he and Dirk started to go exploring together.
There were rumors about abandoned ancient ruins nearby, and to 15 year-olds with nothing else to do beyond homework, it had been too tempting to resist. They were supposedly to the south, so they trampled all over the countryside until they had gone as far as they could within a day’s reach. So, unperturbed, they went farther and farther out into the wilderness, exploring happily until they finally decided that there was nothing out here. By then though, the duo was a trio, with the addition of Amalia.
First, there was Dirk, his comrade in arms despite the differences. Reid was wiry, 5’9 and growing, while Dirk was holding steady at 5'6 and had the build of a gorilla. Reid had brown hair and blue eyes, while Dirk had blond hair and mesmerizing green eyes that seem to draw girls in. When personality came into play though, the differences shrank.
Reid and Dirk were both smart, and both wanted to be scientists, but Dirk wanted to be the next Indiana Jones, getting the world, finding ancient ruins, and making home in time for breakfast. Also, he was often one to try and lighten a situation with a joke, with mixed results. Still, he had a serious side, and was quite sly though he didn’t show it. Even Reid was surprised when he showed his fox-like cunning. As well, he seemed to be the man in the know about most things.
Reid, meanwhile, was not so grandiose in his thinking, being more down to earth. Extremely sarcastic at times, he often made comments about how cliché Dirk was, but he wasn't always a fountain of sarcasm. He planned on being an engineer or an archaeologist studying ancient myths , which he found fascinating. Still, he was interested in engineer, because he loved the science involved, and enjoyed making things. The wages didn’t hurt either.
Still, like any young man, Reid had dreams of being an adventurer, so when Dirk talked about the ruins, he couldn't help but want to explore. They hadn't found anything, but by the time they had reached going out for overnight hikes, they had a companion; Amalia.
Amalia, Allie for short, was unlike most girls; she wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She planned to be an engineer, like Reid, or a Forensic scientist. Both of them appealed to her interests, engineering because she liked to work with her hands, and forensics because her dad was one, and it always seemed fascinating.
Allie was an enigma to Reid, personally, just by how she acted. As of yet she was one of the few people who could with ease cut him down to size, with a few words. It was rather scary actually, how easily she did it. Sure, he realized he needed it, but it still surprised him. They often butted heads over things too, though normally just to argue. Both liked to debate, Dirk saying jokingly they just liked the sound of their own voice. Still, she was diplomatic, and honestly knew what to say, and how far to push someone. She wasn’t overly emotional, normally, but at times, she seemed to just explode at them for something.
They had met once when she had caught them exploring, and had tagged along; they knew each other, Reid and Dirk having met her in school, even becoming somewhat of friends, so this only strengthened the bond between the three. Still, after going as far as they could, they decided on a whim to go west, and sure enough, in a few hours, they found a massive wall of stone. They were stumped as to how to get over it, but then Allie supposed they climbed over it, like a rock wall, and after getting the gear, did just that.
The ruins were amazing - well preserved because of how the rain fell on the other side the nearby mountains. As such, they hadn’t weathered as much as they should have been. They had looked all over and found some writing. Dirk, before returning home for the long hard project of deciphering it - which had quickly become a chore.
They had worked for two weeks with little headway on it, before Allie, on a complete whim, decided to check if perhaps this was a different version of a known language. It was a wild guess, a one in a million chance, but since nothing was working, they gave it a shot. As if by magic, it was, and they set to work, until Reid, the one with the computer skills to run the program, had finished the deciphering. It was quite the accomplishment, at least in Reid’s eyes, but what the tablet said was intriguingly vague. Most was just daily life chronicling, but one part of it stated, "Tonight we learned that the place of writing was opened, and I fear for what might be inside. We have called a meeting to discuss it." What was intriguing, was that they hadn’t found any other writing besides this, so obviously that meant there was more somewhere. But where was that?
Just then, a blaring ringing sound came out of his phone and startled Reid out of his reminiscing. Smiling, he knew it would be Dirk because he had called three times tonight, and always asked the same question.
“So, you done?” Came the masculine voice.
“Yep. I was just about to talk to you, in fact.”
“So what does it say?” Dirk said, an eager note in his voice.
“Well, something intriguing to say the least. Apparently it’s a journal, and most of it’s just his life as he recorded it, but one passage stands out. He said the place of writing had been opened, and it was apparently creepy. Enough to call a meeting over it, at least,” They both mused over this, and then a beeping on his handset alerted him to a new caller. “Hold on, Allie’s calling.”
He clicked the receiver to add the new person in. “Allie, good to hear you, you and Dirk seem to have good timing.”
“That was a surprise?” Dirk said.
“Yeah, normally it’s the seventh time you call that you finally get it right,” Reid shot back.
A light laugh came, and a feminine voice asked, “So, what does it say?”
Reid smiled. “Well, basically it says that there’s more writing, apparently important or scary enough to call for a town meeting.”
“I could have sworn we checked everywhere,” Allie said, a puzzled note in her voice.
“I know,” grumbled Dirk, who had to move the heavy rubble, being the only one of the group who could do it, though he figured they could have helped some.
“Well, I guess we better go back!” Reid said, an excited note in his voice.
“No, let’s ditch it and never figure out what they mean. Live in suspense the rest of our entire lives!” Allie remarked, sarcasm dripping from her words.
“Same time, same place?” Reid asked, and they both replied:
“Yep. See ya later!”
“See ya!” Was all he said, and then hung up. Smiling to himself, he called out to his parents he was leaving tomorrow, and was slightly puzzled by their seemingly eager replies of yes. “Hmm, must want me out of the house,” he thought. Lying back, he realized that in a few days he would finally get his Pokémon, a Growlithe , when he turned 16. Hehad decided on a growlithe because he liked its loyalty, and his father had a friend who bred them. This was because his parents didn’t want him to lose so much schooling, considering what he wanted to do as an adult. So, when he returned, he could finally set out. He had been looking forward to his birthday for a while and as such, he kind of was nervous.
Dirk and Allie had turned sixteen a few weeks ago, but since their birthdays were close enough, they all had decided that they would set off together. They already had their Pokémon, so as soon as he got his, they could be off. Walking over to his bed, he sat down, and smiled slightly to himself. With that happy thought, he laid back on the bed, and fell asleep.
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Post by xxphenomenonxx on Sept 5, 2008 13:39:34 GMT -5
Chapter One Stuff
Main Review
Whoo. xD Made suggestions for ya, like always. If you want to listen to ‘em, go ahead, and if not, that’s okay too. But in regards to the story.
This was a good introduction into Reid and the characters he’s probably gonna be around for a long while. I think you set up the situation for him well and gave the reader a good look into who he is and where he is, not to mention why and what he’s doing. So that was well done.
I offered up suggestions though, to tweak sentenced that I thought were iffy or too weak. Sometimes using adverbs (these mostly end in “ly”) often weaken a verb too much and you don’t get as much out of the sentence. I think the dialogue was performed well for a conversation between a group of friends.
I like that you didn’t really find out what was so important about what Reid was doing until a little bit into the story. I think you put just enough background in there so you may not need any more until later, if you need any at all. I think it closed fairly well. It’s ironic, because the reader feels that even though Reid is all excited about this, there’s probably a lot more in store for him than he realized.
Nice work. Lemme know when Chapter Two is up and I’ll comb through it too for any suggestions/help I can give ya.
Other Suggestions:
Paragraph 1 Sentence 1- Put a period after “happily” and then take out the comma before “as”.
Paragraph 1 Sentence 3- I think you should say, “Took it long enough” instead of “Took long enough”
Paragraph 1 Sentence 4- “done doing” seems too repetitive, I think. Maybe you should put “done with”
Paragraph 1 Sentence 4- Put a period after “working on”. Start a new sentence with “His fingers flew across…” and then later, when it comes to the word “had”, take it out. It weakens the word “needed” too much.
Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- Put a comma after “Finally”. Take out the comma after “off”.
Paragraph 2 Sentence 1- Hmm. Nearing the end of the sentence seems a little strange for me. How about we say, instead of “right now” we say, “right here, right now, after finishing such a long task.
Paragraph 2 Sentence 2- I say we tack on a bit of info into the sentence. xD Lemme think. How about, after the word “interesting” you add in “to reflect back on”
Paragraph 3 Sentence 1- Hmm. I think because you used the word “here” early on in the sentence you should also use the word “this” before “backwater” instead of “a”. I think it flows better. And a comma should come after “small”
Paragraph 3 Sentence 2- I think the comma after “then” should be a period. And you should start a new sentence with “The only reason anyone knew…”
Paragraph 3 Sentence 2- Take out the word “just” before “recently”. I dun think you need it, because “recently” does the job for you.
Paragraph 3 Sentence 2- “mining company’s” should be “mining companies”.
Paragraph 3 Sentence 3- Instead of the word “it” before “was rich”, you should put “the mountains”. If you do that, change the “was” to “were” and just to add a bit of detail say “were rich with gold”. Or something along those lines.
Paragraph 4 Sentence 1- The word “But” is too weak. It’s bleh. Okay. So. Let’s try something along the lines of “They discovered that the vein..” And later on, the word “nearby” should probably be “near”.
Paragraph 4 Sentence 3- I think “here” should be “there” and then you should put a “the” in front of work.
Paragraph 4 Sentence 4- I dunno. This sentence seems too repetitive, even though you added different details. Lets change word choice here. Maybe you can start with something along the lines of “That meant that they had relocated from happening…” I think it sounds better. And I also think, just to emphasize the “happening” aspect of Goldenrod, mention that it’s “Goldenrod City”. I also think you need an “and into this backwater dump”. But I’m not sure. Lol.
Paragraph 5 Sentence 1- Take out the comma after “while” and replace it with a colon.
Paragraph 7 Sentence 1- I think “his” should be “Reid’s”
Paragraph 7 Sentence 3- Lol. You said “Reece” here. XD Shouldn’t it be “Reid”? And take out the comma that comes after “hair”.
Paragraph 7 Sentence 4- Take out the word “while” and start with “When”. Also, might be better to change this around a bit. Say, “When personality came into play..”
Paragraph 8 Sentence 1- Switch the words “both were” around to “were both”. Less confusing that way.
Paragraph 8 Sentence 1- I think instead of “saving the girl” it should be more like “getting the girl” and then later, “and making it home in time for breakfast”. Paragraph 8 Sentence 2- Start more along the lines of “Reid, meanwhile, was not so…”
Paragraph 10 Sentence 1- Hmm. Take out the word “seeming” before “appealing to her”. And then tack on “interests” to the end of that sentence. So it says “appealing to her interests”.
Paragraph 13 Sentence 1- I think you should take out the word “already” and stick with “a known language”.
Paragraph 14 Sentence 2- After the word “stated” put a comma.
Paragraph 15 Sentence 2- Comma after “Smiling”.
Paragraph 19 Sentence 2- Switch around the words “apparently was” so that they are “was apparently”
Paragraph 19 Sentence 3- Dun forget the quotation marks after “least.”
Paragraph 19 Sentence 4- Comma after “Hold on”.
Paragraph 20 Sentence 1- Period after “timing” and before the quotation marks.
Paragraph 21 Sentence 1- Comma after “back”
Paragraph 22 Sentence 1- Comma after “said” Though, I think you should change “said” to “asked”.
Paragraph 23 Sentence 1- Comma after “stated”
Paragraph 24 Sentence 1- Comma after “everywhere”
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Post by Reid on Sept 8, 2008 20:11:18 GMT -5
Here it is! The awesome chapter two!
Chapter two- Uhh, what now?
Reid had been contented to snooze all day, but his dream of sleeping in was shattered, when his alarm went off. Being lazy, he hit the snooze button, just wanting five more mintues. Of course, Reid knew himself too well, so hitting the snooze button only made the alarm clock louder, and soon he sighed, getting up and wiping the sleep out of his eyes. Of course, he had to wake up way too soon for his liking. Still, as he looked at the printout, adrenaline shot though him, and he perked up at remembering what today was. Today would be the day they searched for that mysterious writing place.
Grinning at that, he rubbed all the sleep out of his eyes and went to the bathroom, grabbing his contacts and putting them in, then going back to his room and grabbing a pair of durable clothes. He was luckily all packed, and soon enough, he was downstairs, grabbing breakfast. His parents were up, and he nodded to them, setting down his pack, and then grabbing a bowl of cereal.
After finishing, he stood, placing his bowl in the dishwasher and headed to the door, until his dad called out “Wait a second son, I have something for you.” Reid looked puzzled. What could it be? Sitting down, he waited. Reid was not a patient teenager, and he was soon craning his neck, wanting to see what could take so long.. Well, hopefully it would at least be worth the wait. Eventually the parent came back, and in his hand, rested a red and white orb.
Reid nearly fainted from shock as he placed the ball in his hands, and said “Well, Son. I think it’s time.” As anyone surprised, he tried to stutter he wasn’t yet sixteen, but he smiled and said “Close enough. Besides your mom and I have to go on a trip this morning, won’t be back for a while.” Reid nodded. Ah. He had been told about this, but it hadn’t been during his birthday. Then again, his dad was in high demand. Mom often came with him as well.
“Thanks, Dad. I’ll see you two in a week you two.” He said this smiling, and then picking up his pack, he realized that he probably would need more, and ran up to his room, grabbing a scanner and his strong laptop, which had the decoding program on it. Just in case they found anything this time. As looked around one last time, he on a whim grabbed two things. His good luck charm, a strange rock, and his belt, which could hold Poke Balls on it, on this trek, he’d need both. He placed his first ball on it, smiled, and put the rock in his pocket.
That done, he tore down the stairs, grabbing his pack and calling out a goodbye to his parents. As the door closed behind him, he shouldered the pack, and grinned. The sky was just beginning to grow to its deep blue, the air crisp in the morning sun, and today would be a good day, he could just feel it!
Starting off towards the west, he soon found Dirk. His pack seemed bulging with stuff, but mainly because he carried anything too heavy for them two. They nodded, as they headed off, smiling to themselves since Allie was late, as usual.
It wasn’t an uncommon thing for them to have to wait for Allie, they never knew what took her so long, but since having to wait often took a while, they just started off as usual. Soon the falls of feet could be heard, and there she was, running wildly to catch up with them both. This was the one time she looked amazingly comical, since she seemed to keep her poise at all other times.
She really did look it, hair fanning out untamed, oftentimes getting in her face as she ran. Like anyone, she looked rather funny running with a pack on, and it held true to her. Still, soon she caught up, glaring at the two laughing boys and saying, “That’s not funny! What if I had to wait for something and you left me?” Still there was a slight smile on her red flushed face.
“Bad luck I’d say!” Reid said, and as Dirk gave him a high five, she shook her head in mock disdain.
“I dunno why I ever chose to hang out with you two goofballs.”
Reid, seizing the chance, said, “I think it was our irresistible charm, or my dashing good looks!” He struck a triumphant pose grinning widely.
Dirk reached out and flicked his nose, and said, “That, or your sarcasm, I don’t know which.”
Reid dodged the flick to his nose quickly, saying: “That too! They both describe me so well.”
Allie laughed, and walked on, saying, “You know, no need for flirting you two.”
Reid and Dirk, looking hurt, proceeded to walk in a brooding silence for about a minute, before they couldn’t help but dissolve into helpless laughter as they looked at each other. Soon enough it was all business for the three, as they headed towards the rock wall. They kept relative silence, sometimes talking about something that had occurred to them, mostly small talk.
Soon enough they reached the rock wall, and Allie, put on her gear, which dominated her pack. She soon was climbing up it, pegging sticks and clipping the rope, which the two boys held. Soon enough, they were at the top, and she dug in the last spike, before Reid climbed up the rope, using the stakes. He was more nimble than Dirk, and weighed less, so Allie could hold him. As he reached the top, the both moved to the rope, and strained to hold Dirk, who climbed well, but was just not built for it.
Still, they managed to clear it without a mishap, and they all continued their walk to the site. It was nearing midday, so they all were sweating, but the shade the trees provided was enough to let them continue on. Surprisingly, it got rather hot up here. Soon enough though, they broke though the tree’s to find the ruins.
The ruins were actually in rather good shape, for being ancient history. They were holding together well, protected by a cliff face that luckily kept the wind and rain off them almost completely. Still, parts of them had collapsed, and some looked near to it. So, looking around, they took each some tape, and started measuring off the site. They did this, and soon enough they had the shape, a rather oblong circle, though it wasn’t exact. They did this to try and determine the center of town, where most likely any place of writing would be.
Slowly, the scanned in, each checking to see signs of something, but finding nothing, until they all had met up, and rotated, and soon enough they had explored it all, taking about two hours in total. Still, they had come up clean, nothing had surfaced. So, Reid, Dirk, and Allie all sat on a bench, and mused to themselves what this could be.
Of course, Allie was the first one to strike upon the idea that maybe this place wasn’t nearby. She grinned, and said to the two thinkers “I got an idea! If this place was so scary to them, why would they keep it nearby? Maybe it was off in a different way?”
They both grinned widely and gave her a high five, Dirk even giving her a hug, which made her blush. “Brilliant! Why didn’t we think that earlier? It makes total sense.” Dirk nodded at that.
“If they called a meeting over it opening, it would make sense they wouldn’t want to live so close to it.” Dirk then headed to the outside, and realized a problem. “Uhh, guys, which way? It’s not like we’re going to find it by just randomly walking around. It could be anywhere.”
This struck the other two, and Reid mused about the answer. “Well, maybe I can point us out. The man once wrote about how a man went off towards the setting sun hearing something, and next came the entry. Maybe go that way?
Dirk and Allie nodded, Allie saying “Its our best shot at least.” At that they took off towards the sun, after their work, and thinking about the problem, they had reached about three. They headed off towards it, figuring it was their best shot, and the plains grew narrower, the mountains coming closer and closer to them.
An hour into the walk, it was now very narrow, and they proceeded single file. The sun was in their face, and it made things hard to see, but they dealt. Soon enough it widened out again, and grew more and more forested. They were in pretty deep, the sun starting to set on all of them. As they walked towards it, it winked out, the world growing darker. Soon they were in that twilight grey, where colors were lost.
They continued on though, it was still narrow enough to see to both mountain sides. Still, as they walked, something seemed to bug him. A foreboding was hanging over him, and he turned to the two, stopping as he said, “You feel that?”
They both nodded, Allie saying, “I don’t know what it is, but it feels like our doom is hanging over our heads.” Dirk nodded at that, then looking at Reid, jumped.
A grin spread over his face, and he pointed at his belt, saying, “What’s that?”
Reid looked down at his belt, and grinned, forgetting it was there for a bit. He had been so busy with getting off, that he had forgotten he had added this. "Oh, just a pokeball."He commented nonchalantly.
Allie face brightened, and she said “Well! I thought you had to wait until you were sixteen to get it!”
Reid smiled, and said “Well, the trip they had to go on was moved up, and so he gave it early. I haven’t released it yet though. Maybe we should all let them out?”
“Well, can’t hurt.” Dirk said, smiling, as he grabbed his Poke Ball off his belt, and Allie did likewise. Dirk let out his Pokemon first, a red blob of light coming out before finally the shape formed.
The shape was a Cyndaquil. But what made this Pokemon more interesting was that it was more timid than any other Pokemon Reid had ever met. It was seriously afraid of its own shadow, and was often found clinging to Dirk at any time it could. This irked Dirk to no end. Still, with Dirk working constantly on it, it managed to stay only walking next to him, though the slightest surprise sent it scampering behind Dirk. Which, at the hoot of a Noctowl, it did. Dirk sighed, and said “Still timid as always. I’m surprised it even trained as much as it did.” Both of them were snickering at the display by the Cyndaquil, and he glared at them, saying “Well, at least he’s better about it!” Dirk still loved his Cyndaquil, affectionately calling it Mark.
Meanwhile “Mark” Eventually came out, and sat down, though it looked around wildly at any noise. After the show was though, out came Allie’s Pokemon, the red light once again flashing out, and the form shaping into a Ralts.
Ralts was a total tomboy, no doubt about it. She was always the one who initiated any fights, and trained hardest. Which Allie enjoyed, though sometimes she wished she would calm down sometime and act more feminine. She had nicknamed it Cassandra, but the Ralts refused to respond to anything but Casey. So, if a loud yell came out of Cassandra, you knew she had done something.
Mark jumped at the flash, but ran over, chatting eagerly with it. Dirk had been afraid that Casey would bully the timid creature, but instead she had decided to be its friend, saying that she’d protect him. Which Mark appreciated immensely. She often forced Mark into training though, to toughen him up, despite his attempts to worm out of it.
But they all turned to Reid as he gulped, he didn’t know what kind of Pokemon he was getting. It was a Growlithe, but what kind of personality? What kind of name would it like? What should he name it? All these questions ran though his head as he pulled it out and he hesitated, nervous. Of course, Dirk grinned, and said “Out with it! I’m dying of anticipation!”
A withering glance soon quieted him, but it managed to get Reid ready enough to press the button. A flash of light came out, and soon enough, it was a Growlithe. Shaking its head, it looked around, then turning to Reid cocked its head, obviously confused
Reid laughed as he saw it look around confused, and smiled. "Well, he seems good enough, curious."
"Looks more confused to me," Allie said, laughing slightly.
Reid was about to retort, when he realized that his pokemon was in fact confused, and he sighed. "Well, he's new to the world! Give him a break!"
The Growlithe meanwhile, had wandered over to allie, and sat, wagging his tail and panting happily. Allie smiled, and petted his head, saying "Well...he is kind of cute."
Dirk smirked slightly, and said “Well, he’s a keeper!” Allie snorted at that, and Reid just simply sighed.
“Well, let’s get going gang!” Reid told them all, and walked off, the Growlithe running after him and walking next to him, while The Cyndaquil and Ralts went on their respective trainers shoulders. Reid looked down at the Growlithe, and asked his friends “You guys got any ideas for a good name?"
Dirk thought for a second, then nodded. “Michael” Reid nodded, and continued on, the others catching up. Looking around, Reid realized that the noctowl's hoot had been the first sound of a pokemon other than their own all day. Normally you saw quite a few, but seemingly they all weren’t here. Which was odd, to say the least.
Still, that was pushed aside when he spotted something in a clearing, and they all ran up. Dirk scrambled over to it and grinned. “Whoa! It’s like an alter, or a meeting place!” He said, noticing several carved seats and a few bars sticking out of the ground. Reid walked up, and surveyed the area, before commenting.
“This must have been where they met. But what’s with those bars?” He asked, wondering.
Casey, on Allie’s shoulder, rolled her eyes, and said “Do none of you see?” They all shook their heads and she sighed, before saying “They’re perches!”
Dirk laughed, and said “Well, you’re right! Why didn’t we see that?”
Reid laughed as well, and then said “Well, let’s look around some more.” The last of the meager lighting vanished as he said this, and he sighed, before asking “Michael, use ember.” Reid pulled out a lantern, and Michael lit it, shooting small flames out of its mouth.
Light now spilling forth, he walked around, the other two close on his heels, before he reached a wall with a giant bolder pushed slightly aside. Looking inside it, he gasped, since there was writing all over it, and he said “This is the place!” He slipped in, closely followed by the other two, Dirk having to hold his Cyndaquil to make sure it didn’t run away, and Reid’s Growlithe sticking to him like glue.
As the lantern gave off the soft light, Reid soon pulled out his laptop, and scanner, and said “We need to get this stuff.”
“No duh!” Allie said, shaking her head, as Reid sighed. Allie and Dirk etched the writings, so they had a hard copy, while Reid scanned in the writing from the walls directly. Soon the computer chirped at him, he had that translated, moving on until he finished it all. Sitting down, he waited for the computer to analyze it all, then called over the others when it beeped that it was finished.
Opening it up, he pulled up the file, and said “Well, I have to say, didn’t expect this.” They all read it in silence, absorbing the morbid prophecy. It foretold of a future where the world was engulfed in water and sunlight, horrible droughts and floods destroying much life. But worse was yet to come. Supposedly they had brought the wrath of water and ground upon them, which would awaken others, whom it said would bring about the end of the world.
Dirk was the first to comment on this, saying “Well, that’s morbid. But who are those others?”
Reid shrugged, saying “Well, I would assume probably some legendary.” He stood, saving it, and then placed his stuff back, while Mark squeaked, seemingly frightened. Reid rolled his eyes, and said "Your brave little Cyndaquil sure's a beacon of hope."
Dirk snorted, and said “What doesn’t sounds scary to you?” At that, Reid shut up.
Walking to the entrance, he stopped, and gasped quietly. This sound made all the others look, Allie asking “What?” Before realizing why he was gasping. Before them, was a gathering of legends.
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Post by lana2 on Sept 8, 2008 20:25:29 GMT -5
*Looks at Pheno's reviews* Reece, start sending them to her after I send them back to you. Or just send them to her xD
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Post by Reid on Oct 5, 2008 18:20:17 GMT -5
Chapter three Heroes? No way!
They all stared on at the sight before them, and what a sight it was. People had searched their whole lives to see just one, just one, of these Pokémon, and here were four of them, all chilling like it was no big deal that they were all gathered here. It was crazy to see them, but soon they realized there was a bigger problem. What were they going to do now?
They didn’t really want to go out and disturb them, but they kind of wanted to leave the meeting place. It was dark, the only way they could see was because the legendaries had provided some light. Deciding on a more prudent course of action though, they all sat down in the cave, and watched, their lamp extinguished, so they could only see the center of the alter.
Casey couldn’t help but comment though, saying “Well, I was right!” She was soon hushed by Dirk and Allie. Reid meanwhile was busy hearing a buzzing, and he slipped farther out, until the buzzing became the voices, that seemed to sound in his head.
Reid looked at Dirk and Allie, and asked quietly, “Can’t you hear that?”
“No. Hear what, though?” Dirk asked.
Reid said, “Those voices!” Dirk simply shook his head.
“Telepathy you think? but then why can you hear and we cant?” Dirk asked, though Reid silenced him. It was getting interesting.
Lugia had giving a mighty flap of its wings, a blast of wind flattening a few plants as she said, “I call this meeting to order! I don’t call many meetings, but you all need to know what’s going on. I think the prophecy is starting.”
Ho-oh cut in, saying, “Which one exactly? There are like ten of them!”
This drew a collective chuckle, and Lugia waited for it to die down, before stating simply, “The third one.”
That simple statement seemed to hold enormous weight. Even Reid, though he had no idea what it was, could tell it didn’t mean anything good at all. Lugia soon continued. “I’ve assembled you all to let you know about that fact. Something’s going wrong in the oceans, I can feel it. A terrible feeling of foreboding is cast upon us all. Have you felt anything, Ho-oh?”
The other bird Pokémon, brilliant in its sheen, seemed to think for a bit, before saying “Now that you mention it, yes. Something has been troubling me.”
Reid turned to the two and whispered, “Seems the legendaries have had the same feelings we’ve had. As well, some third prophecy is coming true!”
At that, he turned back to listening to them. Lugia had went on to say “…so if we don’t act, you know what will happen.”
Mewtwo, only his head not hidden by the cloak, replied, “Well, who is going to help us? It says that we cannot do it all.”
Lugia smiled, and said “Don’t worry; I think I know just the people. What do you think?” She said, turning to face Reid. They all did, and they all paled. Reid uttered one word, one simple word that summed it all up quite nicely.
“Shit.”
Lugia spoke again, this time out loud, saying, “Care to join us you three? Your Pokémon are welcome to as well.” They all stood and walked over, finding seats for them. Cyndaquil was hiding behind Dirk, shivering like it was freezing, while Casey gazed in awe at the three. Michael was nervous, looking around at the figures.
Dirk right now was awed, too awed to be scared or excited, just plain awed. Allie was calm and collected, acting as if meeting four of the strongest and most rare Pokémon in the world was a daily occurrence, while Reid was holding back a damn lot of questions.
Sitting down, they watched as Mewtwo gazed over each of them in turn, then said “Them? You plan on putting the fate of the world in the hands of these children?”
This time, all of them could hear his telepathy, and they shot him glares, muttering, “We can hear you.”
Mewtwo met their glares with a cool look, and said, “It does not change the facts. You three look like you received your Pokemon yesterday.”
Lugia flapped its wings again, silencing Mewtwo and causing the three to hold down their jackets as the wind almost made them escape, Allie’s hair now a mess since all the clips had gone who knew where. “It doesn’t change the fact that these three meet the requirements!”
Once again, they could all hear, but remained quiet, resigning themselves to being talked about as if they weren’t in the room. Mew meanwhile flew up to them, and clapped, seemingly happy, and saying, “They’re so cute!”
Dirk was not fond of that, and said so, commenting, “I wouldn’t say cute.”
Mew ignored that, and moved over to the Cyndaquil, and gave it a smile, hugging it. The Cyndaquil went pale with fright, not moving. Mew noticed that, and went off, sulking slightly.
Lugia sighed, saying, “Mew can be childish at times.”
Mewtwo meanwhile had sighed and rolled his eyes at the performance of his counterpart.
Ho-oh had been removed from this, and brought them all back to task with a, “Well, maybe we should inform them what they’re here for even? I’m sure their curious. Especially that one over there, that you let hear us.”
Reid spoke up, “I’d rather introduce us all. I’m Reid, man next to me is Dirk, and that-
“I’m Amalia, but call me Allie” she said, cutting in and giving a smile, which was also a smirk at Reid, since she always contested him introducing everyone. Besides, she knew it would annoy Reid to interrupt him mid sentence.
Lugia grinned, and said to Mewtwo, “One more down.”
Mewtwo was obviously not happy with their introduction, and complained, “It does not compensate for the fact that they are inexperienced. I doubt they can save themselves in a battle, let alone save the world.”
They all once again shot him glares, Allie saying, “You know, you don’t have to be so offensive!”
Mewtwo once again met them with a cool stare, saying, “It is the truth.”
Lugia sighed, and said, “That’s not the point. In any case, you’re here for a reason. There’s a prophecy going on, and it’s a nothing good. But you know that, you read it in there did you not? Or more accurately, translated it?”
She grinned as their jaws dropped, and said, “Apt reaction. But that’s not all. That’s only what I told the writer. There’s more to it than just the dire prediction. It also says, ‘But when the sea’s churn with unease, and land as well, the four legends shall gather, one bird of the sea, one bird of land, the playful one, and the spawn of that.’
At that, she took a breath, and then continued with, “As well, three humans shall gather, merely by chance, at the gathering, each with their own new pokemon.”
Dirk grinned, and said, “So, that’s us. New Pokémon, we’re here, it fits.”
Reid shook his head, and said. “Wait! Heroes, us? No. No way! I don’t want to be a hero!”
Allie smiled, saying, “Well, we have much choice on this?
Dirk meanwhile, was grinning and saying, “Yes! This will be so cool! Heroes, I can see it now!”
Reid wasn’t sold though, saying, “Heroes? I want to be an engineer, a scientist, not save the world! Who knows what we might get ourselves into!”
Mewtwo looked at them and said, “Well, even if I would have us just handle it, we are stuck with you.”
Lugia nodded, then said, “That’s you all right. It goes on, saying that we’ll need to gather our allies, while you guys have to go get help from several groups. I’m not sure what they mean by group, but that’s all we have to go on. So, I recommend starting off now.”
Reid shook his head, and said, “Well, we need to at least go home to get our stuff!”
Mew, who had come back, grinning, flew around them, before sitting on Reid’s shoulder and hugging his head saying, “This will be so much fun!”
Reid looked pleadingly at Lugia, and asked, “Is she always like this?
Lugia laughed, then said, “Well, if she needs to be, she’s more cunning than all of us.”
Reid looked at the pink Pokémon that was hugging his head and humming a little tune, and wondered if maybe they were a bit confused in the head at that.
Managing somehow to pry the pink fuzzball off his head, he walked off to the ruins, muttering darkly to Lugia, “I still haven’t said yes.” Picking up their stuff, he headed out, Dirk and Allie not far behind. They each grabbed their stuff, but Dirk stopped at the ruins, dropping his pack.
Reid turned, surprised, and he said, “Are we not going?”
Dirk looked at him, and said, “Well, what’s your answer?”
Reid looked at him, and said, “It’s still maybe.”
As the legendaries turned to look at this scene, Dirk stood, and said, “Then, maybe I’m going with you.”
Reid sighed. “Don’t be stubborn. I just don’t think the world’s going to end.”
Dirk laughed, and stated plainly, “Well, can you risk it?”
Reid, about to retort, stiffened, as he realized, well, could he? What if they were right and the world was going to end? Then it wouldn’t matter if he wanted to be a scientist. At worst, he’d get to see the world, and at least associate with the legendaries. But still, all that lost time. A dark thought popped up into his head, saying but what if he didn’t have that time? Reid sighed, and said, “You’ve got a point….”
Dirk grinned, and asked, “So? Whadda say?”
Reid gave a mighty sigh, and said, “Ok. I’ll give in.”
Allie, who had watched the drama unfold, laughed, and said, “Well, now that your touching moment is over, let’s go shall we?” Reid laughed, and nodded, as Dirk picked up his stuff, and they all walked off.
Lugia turned to them all, and said, “Well?”
Mewtwo gave a soft huff, and said, “Well, they will do. I would rather not have them though.”
Lugia rolled her eyes, and said, “You’d rather have just you involved.”
Mewtwo sighed, and said, “No, I just would rather do it ourselves. I do not trust people so easily.”
Mew, meanwhile, was busy rolling around, chanting something about how much fun they would have together.
A rumbling soon disturbed the group, as they looked around, and it grew hot, then a deluge flowed over them. The group grew somber, and then Lugia said,“They’re not going to enjoy that."
Reid and the group headed home, each absorbed in their own thoughts, until the freak weather hit them. Looking around, they puzzled it out, before continuing on home. The journey would have been uneventful, save for what they saw at the cliff face.
That shocked them to the core.
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Post by xxphenomenonxx on Oct 6, 2008 17:29:34 GMT -5
Chapter Three Suggestions
Title: Heroes? No way! (you used and apostrophe and an ‘s’. Change it to this. ^^ )
Paragraph 1 Sentence 2- I feel as if you should italicize the second “just one” in that sentence to make it more enunciated.
Paragraph 2 Sentence 2- Whoo long sentence. Lotsa commas. Lol. But anyways, I feel as if the words “light out” are confusing. I’m not all that certain of what you were trying to say. It may be a good idea to cut up this sentence so that’s two instead of one as well. And, I feel as if you don’t need the words, “so they could see too” in there because you’ve already stated that “The only reason they could see”.
Paragraph 7 Sentence 2- Change “Here” to “hear”. Though I think it would be more appropriate to alter the sentence entirely. Say, “But then, why can you hear it and we can’t?” Or something along those lines.
Paragraph 8 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 9 Sentence 1- Comma after “saying”.
Paragraph 11 Sentence 1- Comma after “saying”. Though you could always change words and keep the comma too. Like, instead of “saying”, you could use, “stating”.
Paragraph 12 Sentence 3- Take out the word “saying”. It feels like a tag on in that sentence when you really don’t need it. Lol.
Paragraph 12 Sentence 6- Comma before “Ho-oh”, as Lugia is addressing him.
Paragraph 14 Sentence 1- Comma after “quietly”. Though, you could just take it out all together, as it weakens the word “whispered”, and really, whispers are quiet to begin with. Lol.
Paragraph 15 Sentence 2- Change up the word structure a little bit. Say, “Lugia went on to say”, instead of using “continued saying” again.
Paragraph 16 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 16 Sentence 1- Change up the word choice a bit. Instead of “said”, use “replied” or something along those lines and put a comma after it.
Paragraph 18 Sentence 1-Comma after “saying”.
Paragraph 18 Sentence 2- The comma you put before “and” slows the sentence too much. Take it out. Lol.
Paragraph 20 Sentence 2- Feel as if you don’t need the word “ever” in there. It seems out of place. I’d recommend switching it for something along the lines of “in the world” or something. Lol.
Paragraph 20 Sentence 2- Take out the “meanwhile”. Ya already used “while”. Lol.
Paragraph 21 Sentence 1- I feel as if you should take out the “the” (which was probably meant to be a “them” anyway) and replace it with “each of them in turn”.
Paragraph 21 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 22 Sentence 1- Switch it up a bit. Instead of using “saying”, used, “muttering” or something along those lines and put a comma after it.
Paragraph 23 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”. That and, capitalize the “It” that starts off in the quotation marks.
Paragraph 23 Sentence 1- Don’t forget a period inside the quotation marks after “yesterday”.
Paragraph 25 Sentence 2- Comma after “saying”.
Paragraph 31 Sentence 1- You don’t need the “saying” here. You’ve already used “spoke up” so you should take “saying” out. But put a comma after “up”.
Paragraph 32 Sentence 1- Comma after “Allie”. Un-capitalize “She” that follows that.
Paragraph 32 Sentence 1- Add in an “and” after “in” and before “giving”.
Paragraph 33 Sentence 1- Comma after “Mewtwo”.
Paragraph 34 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 34 Sentence 2- Italicize “themselves” to stress the point Mewtwo is making.
Paragraph 38 Sentence 5- Comma after “says”. Hm. Maybe use ‘n’ these marks instead of “n” these marks for this part.
Paragraph 47 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 48 Sentence 1- You switched tenses for a second. Change “came” to “come”.
Paragraph 49 Sentence 1- Comma after “asked”.
Paragraph 50 Sentence 1- Comma after “said”.
Paragraph 51 Sentence 1- Change the second “Reid” to “his”. Less confusing that way.
Paragraph 59 Sentence 6- Comma after saying, and maybe italicize the question that follows so that it seems more of an absent thought.
Paragraph 62 Sentence 2- Capitalize “dirk”.
3rd Paragraph from the Bottom Sentence 2- Comma after “said”.
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Post by blake on Feb 7, 2009 16:31:06 GMT -5
The long awaited, highly anticipated ((not)) fifth chapter is here! YAY! Its not my best chapter, I wouldn't think, but it helps to set up later events. So, without further ado, here it is!
What they saw was complete devastation. It was as if a scorching inferno had been swept away by a horrendous flood, leaving a battered broken shell of a town like a bloated carcass left out to bake in the sun. This horror scene was lit by flickering lights, from what lights remained working, the light flickering and dancing as if the flames of before were still there, laughing at them.
Reece, Dirk, and Allie were shocked. They stood, watching mutely; unsure of what had just happened. Then, as panic set in, they flew down the hill, running over as fast as they could towards the town, or what remained of it. Reaching the fringes, they saw that here, the water and fire hadn’t quite reached here, and while unstable, the houses were still there.
First place they went to was Allie’s house, as it was the closest one to where they were. It was dangerously unstable, in that Reid felt it was risky to even look inside, but Allie said there was no point, there wasn’t anything worth salvaging in her house. They did, however, find a note saying that her family had left for Goldenrod with Reece’s parents, something that seemed to confuse Allie. Reece didn’t put much stock in it though, and continued on.
Dirks house, unfortunately, was little more than a pile of rubble, a heap of burnt wood finally finished off by the flooding. It wasn’t a pretty sight either, as the wood was strewn all about, mixed in with what other rubble the flood had brought with it, and overall not a pretty sight. Dirk, saddened, said “Well, no reason to linger here unless we need firewood!” He attempted to sound unconcerned, but Reece wasn’t convinced. Allie still seemed preoccupied with her own house, and Reece figured it best not to bother her.
Last, they checked Reece’s house, which hadn’t suffered that bad of damage. It was smoky and sodden, but other than that, it was structurally sound. So, entering it, they set about the business of searching for anything valuable. After about ten minutes of searching, they had collected together what money they could find, a few snack bars, a few bottles of water, and some of their camping supplies. Reece pocketed the money, figuring it would probably come in handy, and Dirk grumbled to himself “Of course, you get to the keep the money.” But it was more of to break the mood rather than complain.
After closing the door, a pointless gesture but one Reece found oddly unsettling, they sat down on a pile of rubble, and thought, until Reece finally broke the silence.
“You think they knew about this? The legendaries I mean,” Reece theorized, pretty certain they had.
“If they didn’t, it was sure helpful to their cause,” Dirk said, seemingly suspicious of the group of legendaries for the oh so convenient destruction of their homes.
Allie shook her head, snorting. “None of them have this kind of power you know that. Think before you accuse blindly.”
Reece, surprised at her sudden outburst, asked “What’s wrong with you?” She wasn’t known for being quite so short with people.
Allie shook her head, saying, “Sorry. I’m a little bit on edge.”
Dirk, not deterred by the sudden outburst, had asked another question. “Well, when do you think it happened?”
Reece, looking at the rubble, responded, “Well, I don’t know. Maybe an hour ago, the grounds still damp, but its not soaked. “
“Maybe that freak rain was more than that,” Allie commented, unsure.
Dirk, looking at a piece of wood, stated, “Not just that, what the heck caused the fire? Seemingly the entire area’s been ravaged by a giant fire right before the flood. What in the world could cause that?”
Reece shook his head, unable to answer that. “Well, our choice has been made for us. Seemingly we’ll have to head off to goldenrod in any case, our parents should be there. We can think more on the way there. Besides, its not like this holds anything for us,” Reece said, gesturing to the burnt out husks of houses. They seemed mere shells compared to the memories of all the time’s they’d shared in them.
With that, they all left, each considering their own little thoughts. Dirk, who was puzzling over the strange fire, which had preceded the flood, and which must have wreaked havoc among the people. Allie, mystified by her family’s sudden departure with Reece’s parents, and what could motivate such a move. Reece, over one simple detail, which stood out stark in his mind. Where were all the bodies?
Night, which had been young when they had first arrived here, was well on its way towards day by the time they’d decided to make camp. All of them were physically tired from climbing the rocks, exploring, and walking so much in one day. As well, they were mentally tired, fatigued from the events of the day, from the epic, meeting the legendaries, to the disastrous, the loss of their homes.
They’d pitched their tents in silence, absorbed in their thoughts, which with every passing moment only seemed to grow all the more confusing and perplexing. They had finished with the tents when Reece finally decided to break the lingering silence between the trio, saying, “So, anyone hungry? I’ll be making dinner here soon.”
Dirk, famished from all the workings he did, having to bear the brunt of the heavy lifting, pounced on the idea, saying with a grin, “Oh good! I’m starved.”
Reece laughed at how he jumped on the topic, almost cutting him off in his excitement. “Well, don’t expect much. In fact, it might be wiser to wait for morning to eat.”
Dirk, with a face reflecting total despondency, asked mournfully, “Surely you can’t expect a man to survive on an empty stomach? Tis a fate worse than death!”
Allie rolled her eyes at his tone, not one for being overdramatic, and turned, which Reece took as a sign that she wasn’t hungry. “All right I’ll feed you.” Reece grumbled with a smile. Meanwhile, he gathered up the wood, readying a fire so that they could cook this meal.
Dirk beamed at his turn around, saying, “Good thing that worked! I had no idea about what I’d do next if that hadn’t of.”
Reece turned, and shook his head, muttering, “Heaven forbid tubby should go without breakfast.” The end of that sentence was accented with a short cry of pain, as something struck his elbow.
Dirk, having thrown a well aimed pebble at his arm, said, “Hey, I heard that!” He grinned, it was a long standing joke between the two.
Reece laughed, and said “Well, tell me it’s not true then!”
Dirk nodded, looking at him and saying “It’s not true.”
Grinning fiendishly, Reece shrugged. “Good, then we don’t need any food do we? Let’s just forget about dinner and relax.”
Dirk, a look of shock plastered on his face, said, “You fiend! How could you trick your best friend like that! It’s an outrage I tell you, an outrage!”
Allie, who the entire time had been fuming at their attitude, finally snapped at this last offence, and stood, glaring.
“Honestly! Grow up,” She snarled. “We just lost our homes, our family’s no where to be found, and not just that, what might have happened to us if we had perchance missed the ruins? We might be dead right now! And you two are busy joking about dinner!”
Dirk, taken completely by surprise by this sudden attack, stammered out, “Wha what,” Though he was soon glared back into silence by a livid Allie.
“I’m not done yet! Think of those people who must have been drowned, or swept away by the flood! Did you think about their lives? No! Your too busy worried about your own stomachs!” Reece, in a vain attempt to placate her, said “Hey, your not the only one who lost their..” but was cut off mid sentence by Allie, who seemed more mad than ever.
“SURE YOU WEREN’T THE ONLY ONES! BUT AT LEAST I’M NOT JOKING AROUND, PRETENDING THAT NOTHING AT ALL’S WRONG WITH ANY OF THIS! “ Allie yelled, seemingly working herself up for whatever reason.
Reece, figuring it was best just to grab ahold of something and ride the storm of words that was sure to be unleashed, was quiet.
Luckily for the hapless pair, Allie seemed to have had enough of them, and stomped over to her tent, entering it and zipping it up, doing the best impression of slamming a door with a tent opening Reece had ever witnessed in his life.
dumbstruck by the sudden attack, then departure, of Allie, both of them sat, not sure exactly what they should do now that she was in her tent. Both had lost any semblance to a full appetite, though even a full on feud didn’t stop dirk from asking “You still got those snack bars?” In a low tone, so as not to aggravate Allie.
Shaking his head, Reid sighed, and nodded, digging a pair out of his pack and handing one to Dirk, as they munched on them, staring at the pile of wood that had once been planned for a fire, and wondering as to their fate.
Dirk finished first, wolfing down his snack bar, and at Reece’s behest that they save them, decided that sleeping was the best choice of his time. Bidding Reece a good night, he entered the tent, and zipped it up, leaving Reece alone with his thoughts for a time.
Reece sighed, and started to ponder to himself. What really had happened that day? What had caused such strange weather patterns? Not only that, but that meeting, with those legendaries at the ruins. At that, though, Reece huffed, and thought to himself “lot of good they have done. All they’ve done so far is heap trouble on our heads. And now we’re to save the world? Hah. Shows what they know.”
As he looked over at Allie’s tent, he shook his head, and thought “So far, all we’ve done is lost our homes, and now were stuck having to find a way to get to goldenrod soon. Who knows how long it could take them to get there? Walking was out of the question, since that would take at least three weeks. Which left car, or plane.
Plane was also highly unlikely, since it’d cost so much. None of them had Pokémon they could fly on either, another common form of transport, so, they were out of luck on this part. Reece, feeling more and more useless with every passing thought, decided that there was no real reason to stay up now.
Sighing and walking over to the tent, he walked into the tent, and slumped into his sleeping bag, falling asleep almost instantly, dreaming of what the future held for them.
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